This is probably one of my most confronting and raw blog posts to date. If you’ve been following my socials you would know that about a week ago I left Australia to move to the US indefinitely. While on paper it was a massive move, emotionally, I felt/continue to feel NOTHING.
I’ve spent the last few weeks recollecting of some of my fondest memories with my friends and family over goodbye drinks, brunches, lunches and dinners. But over each and every single meal or drink I was left feeling somewhat guilty when I wasn’t feeling as emotional as everyone else.
It’s always been a strange thing to me when I’m asked “will you miss me?” or “will you miss your family?” or “are you scared to move countries?” or “are you homesick yet?” I don’t know what it is - the emotions just never seem to hit me. The past few weeks had got me concluding that I have some condition that completely avoids processing any major piece of information or I simply have one stone cold heart! (Was really hoping it wasn’t the latter!)
I couldn’t comprehend what was wrong with me and why I was so distant from the thought of any sort of loving emotion. It wasn’t as though I lived in some fairytale ideology - I’ve always been an optimistic yet realistic person.
Although these feelings have popped up before they had never concerned me until the past few weeks. Right in front of my eyes, some of my strongest friends became sappy, there was more love going around yet everytime I replied “I’m going to miss you so much too”, I was telling a lie - just to spare the other person’s feelings. This made me feel more guilty than not missing them!
It got to a point where I had to sit down and research the shit out of why this was happening. “There’s no way this is normal,” I thought to myself. And while studies on the psychology behind the lack of emotions were more common than expected, their conclusions sure were quite confronting and somewhat offending. I know myself better than anyone knows me so when someone says I’m selfish, too absorbed in my own life and neglecting of other’s feelings I know it’s not true.
I have to be honest, I was so perplexed as to how being selfish was the answer - there was a few minutes that I stopped and questioned myself. But thankfully coming back to reality and my true self more research found an explanation that made a lot more sense.
I’m not self-absorbed, I’m self-reliant. I’m not selfish, I’m radical and understanding. I don’t miss people, because I live in the moment.
We miss people when we're not enjoying the present. When we’re busy wishing someone was around or busy thinking of what we could be doing back home a lot of the time we fail to see amazing new opportunities or experiences that sit right in front of us.
Don’t get me wrong, I not turning this around to say if you miss people you’re the ones missing out on life. Not at all! I wish I was you - but I’m not. This is who I am and I’m working on not feeling guilty about who I am.
Like I mentioned, I’m not a selfish person. When my friend’s are talking, I’m all ears. When someone needs a shoulder to cry on, I pass up both. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that I miss and love people in different ways and most importantly allowing myself to know that this is ok.